Feeling other people's pain

If you've never read the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, I highly recommend it. Terry Pratchett has a way with words like no other. I was reminded today of an element in the book that is just a minor part, but has so much meaning when you think about it. In the book, Trillian finds a 'point of view' gun and uses it to hit the President of the Galaxy with her thoughts. He immediately felt what she was feeling, and was able to understand why she was acting the way she was. I'm struck by how poignant this instrument is. Imagine being able to point and shoot at someone and they immediately understand your feelings on a deep, deep level. How much miscommunication and pain do we as humans go through trying to get someone else to understand us? 

    Today during meditation I learned that being an empath and medium is a lot like having access to a reverse point of view gun. I was asked to do a reading for a friend of a friend. Not really knowing this person, I agreed and asked my spirit guides for some information. Among the pieces of info I received, I was hit with this overwhelming sense of heartache. I know from conversations with my friend that the person I was asked to read for has had their fair share of grief in their life, though I don't really know the circumstances surrounding the cause. The grief I felt was deep and heavy. My spirit guides were showing me exactly how this person feels. I felt a deep ache in my chest, I immediately began to weep. I personally have never experienced grief so deep in my life, but even though I had no reference, I knew exactly what it was I was feeling. 

    As an empath, I have a lot of experience absorbing others' emotions. But that is sort of like wearing a new skin or a new piece of clothing. You can feel it on the outside, but you know it's not yours and you can take it off at any time. I briefly felt this deep when I walked into a large, dark entity in one of my visits to Forest Haven. During today's meditation, I was feeling the grief, pain, and anguish as if it were my own. When I recovered, I asked my spirit guides if there was anything else I should see. I was told that I had enough for today. I think this experience is like training wheels for me since I'm so new at all of this. My guides are showing me my potential, but aren't overwhelming me with too much too fast. 

    I am so grateful that my gifts allow me access to other people's feelings in this way. It gives me a deep awareness of the humanity of us all. Imagine how much better off we would be as a race of beings if we all had the capability of accessing others' emotions and feelings. I'm convinced that so much of what we're experiencing right now as a society can be directly attributed to a lack of empathy. 

Return to Forest Haven, Part II: The Mimic

In Return to Forest Haven, Part  1, I described that I was told to visit certain buildings at Forest Haven by my spirit guides. This is the story of what I learned from visiting the Poplar building. 

    I knew that the Poplar building was dark. Every time I walked by that building I got that familiar anxious feeling, and the air surrounding the building felt heavy. One of the paranormal investigators that was with us on this trip had described his experiences in the building. As you can imagine, they weren't good. Based on the close proximity to the Holly building and the presence of the portal there, we all had the feeling that the portal extended into the Poplar building. We never made it far enough into the building to confirm or deny that feeling.

    Probably not the smartest plan, but we went to the Poplar building immediately following our attempt to go into the Holly building. I should point out that I had completely closed down my senses following my experience at Holly. This is an important factor in what came next. As we entered the building, Tom sensed a presence of a man who seemed not quite all there. We chatted for a few minutes about the man who while living seemed to have had some extreme mental difficulties before one of the paranormal investigators called us into a large room he wanted us to see. 

    Tom immediately got the sense of an intense ritual that took place in the room. On the floor were the remains of a burned mattress. The walls and ceiling were blackened with soot. Tom described the scene: At least 15 people on their knees, citing incantations and calling forth dark entities while the mattress burned in the middle of the room. I on the other hand felt completely numb as I took in the sight of this room.

    After a few minutes, I started to sense a presence in the vicinity. I walked to the other side of the room and discovered another small, enclosed room. As I approached, I shined my flashlight into the room, but did not enter. I always seem to do this; I'm not sure what good it does shining a flashlight into a room where you can't see the spirits in the first place! I engaged with this entity. Usually when interacting with spirits I get an immediate sense of the gender and relative age of a person. The identity of this thing was masked. That should have been my first clue that something was off. 

I asked the entity what they needed. Their response was 'help.' I stood there for a moment trying to discern the identity of this 'person,' when all of a sudden it dawned on me! This thing was not human. As soon as I realized what I was dealing with, I immediately called upon my spirit guides and AA Uriel (more on that in another post) to protect me, and reinforced my white energetic protection bubble. It was only a moment between me realizing that I was dealing with a mimic, me calling on my spirit guides, and reinforcing my protections that I found myself shouting "FUCK! TOM, I NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!" The paranormal investigator that was standing next to me this whole time seemed surprised at my reaction. 

    Demons can be tricky sonofabitches. Had I not been so closed off, I likely would have immediately detected this entity for what it truly was. But I was so protective of my sensing at that moment coming straight from what we saw at the Holly building that I was lured into engaging with it before I knew what was going on. That is some dangerous, dangerous stuff. 

    Tom immediately came over and engaged his spirit guides in helping to ward off the demon. Thankfully it backed away and I didn't wind up with an attachment or a possession! Later on that evening, Tom described seeing two angels standing next to me in a defensive posture as he walked over to me to assist. 

    I wanted to go to Forest Haven to learn about my abilities and limitations, and to help wherever I could. My spirit guides told me to go to this building for a reason, but I had no idea what was in store! There's nothing like learning a lesson firsthand like that. I came extremely close to endangering myself and my loved ones. One of the things Tom told me was that before he engages with any entity, he asks his spirit guides to confirm that he's meant to interact with them before he even says hello. That is one takeaway that is burned solidly into my brain! I am so grateful to have such a gifted spiritual communicator in my life as Tom. 

    Every new engagement with the afterlife is teaching me more and more about this strange new world I've been privileged to be able to experience. I look forward to continuing to learn about my boundaries, strengths, weaknesses, and stretching my abilities. 

There's more to discuss about my latest visit to Forest Haven.. but for now I need an energetic reset. 

Return to Forest Haven, Part 1: Darkness abounds

I returned to Forest Haven last night, accompanied by my gifted friend (whom I shall call Tom from now on) and two paranormal investigators. There's a lot to share about this trip, so I'm not going to post about it chronologically this time. As I was exiting the B/W parkway, I could sense that something was different there. I could feel dark energy from a half mile away! I called Tom, who was also en route, and he said he felt the same. That was our first clue that something was quite different at FH than the last time we visited. A new medium acquaintance of mine asked the question of me, "Who the hell is new to this work and walks into paranormal investigations like it’s a walk in the park?" Well, let me tell you that compared to last night, my first visit to FH absolutely was a walk in the park! 

    That morning, I had asked my spirit guides for guidance on what I should do/where I should go once I got to the property. The answer I received kind of stunned me. I was told I should go to three specific buildings. I already knew based on my last visit plus some remote viewing that the buildings in question had portals in them. I was kind of shocked to hear the answer I was being given, but there was no doubt that Tom and I were meant to go to those specific buildings on that specific night. So we set out to investigate those buildings during our visit.

    I wrote about the Holly building in one of my earlier blog entries. Holly, the Chapel, and Poplar were the three buildings identified by my spirit guides that we were to visit. As we made our way toward Holly, Tom and I felt the distinct absence of Earth-bound spirits hanging around. Unlike last time where we could sense spirits freely roaming the streets keeping a watch on us, everything felt eerily quiet. 

    Previously, I didn't feel threatened by being in the building or even in the same room as the portal in the Holly building. Last night was a completely different experience! As we approached the Holly building, the hair on the back of my neck started to stand up. I got that heavy, anxious feeling I get when I sense the presence of something dark. The air felt as thick as soup. I stopped about 30 yards from the building and just stared. 

    I immediately got the 'sight' of at least half a dozen dark entities hanging out throughout the building. They were powerful beings. Tom had stopped even before I did. I called to one of our paranormal investigator friends for him to stop where he was. He was about 10 yards from the front door before I stopped him. I shudder to think what could have happened to him if he actually entered that building. I looked at Tom and we both knew there was no way we were going in that building!

    We talked about it for a few minutes. Tom can see into the spirit realm, and he described the entities that were in the building as very large. Later Tom would tell me that he has never encountered a situation where he just would not walk into a building. One of the paranormal investigators asked me if I could call on my spirit guides to clear the building so we could enter. Absolutely not. I explained that If I felt compelled to go into the building to help an Earth-bound spirit, then and only then would I call upon my guides for help. In this case, whatever was lurking in Holly was having a field day and there was no purpose for me being in that building. 

    I don't know what those things were, or why they were there this time vs the last time we paid a visit to the property. It was a completely surreal experience. I am getting chills just recalling the sensations I had standing outside that building. After some reflection, the reason my spirit guides sent me to that building became clear. They wanted me to sense that kind of energy, to understand that there are some things that aren't to be messed with. I'd learn the reason for being asked to visit the Poplar building in a similar way...

Tuning into my spirit guides' messages

I had a nice long meditation session this morning where I intentionally decided to practice my clairvoyance by receiving messages from my spirit guides. The images that came through were very abstract, which I understand is common when communicating with the spirit world. It was good practice for me to receive and then try to make meaning of what I was seeing. As I received images, I wrote them down. They seemingly had no connection, but I figured at some point it would make sense to me. The first images that came through were strange. I saw a flat line - like an EKG flat line. The next images that reminded me of elephants - a tube that resembled a twisty playground slide but also was reminiscent of an elephant trunk - and a tusk. Then I got this heavy feeling in my chest, which reminded me of the colloquial saying 'like an elephant on your chest.' When I put all those together, it had a very specific meaning - heart attack. 

    Other things came through as well. I saw a paperclip and was given the word "Buick." My brain did word association with the paperclip. It went paperclip -> clippy (yes *that clippy*) -> computers -> my grandfather. Between the association from paperclip to my grandfather and the connection of the Buick to my grandmother, I got the sense that spirit was trying to tell me something about her. I'd hate to think that she's going to have a heart attack but the association is too coincidental. She's 94 years old and not exactly in the best of health. I also was told to reach out to my uncle (my grandmother's son) this past Sunday to reconnect with him. These things put together are telling me that whatever is going to happen with her is likely to happen soon. I can't imagine otherwise why I would be receiving these messages now. Of course I am not sure what or if I should say to any of my family members. As we know in the spirit world, time isn't linear, so it's entirely possible that whatever is going to occur won't be until some time from now. If that's the case, then I would unnecessarily worry them all. Plus I think this message was just for me - I didn't get a sense that I should be running off to tell my family my grandmother is in imminent danger. 

    It was an interesting exercise, and one I'll likely employ on a more regular basis. Making sense of fragmented imagery is only going to strengthen my skills. 

When the spirit hits close to home

Oh this one hit me hard. Last evening I was watching TV when I was contacted by a person who had a deeply personal resonance in my life. I was contacted by a friend and mentor, who had passed away earlier this year. She was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's disease, and was robbed of her life's mission. I met her when I was an intern at NASA Goddard, and she hired me full time to work in planetary education in 2004. It was her foresight for the future of NASA education and what we could do as an educational community that made us so successful in the early 'aughts in reaching a diverse set of audiences. She gave us such a feeling of a sense of community, and how using a new and emerging tools like social media could ensure that the great work of the NASA mission would reach as wide an audience as possible. She taught me so much about thinking outside the box, the value of giving outsiders a voice, and being open to the possibilities that life had to offer. I can't count on my fingers and toes the life lessons she taught me.  

    Since my spiritual awakening, I've often wondered why I hadn't heard from her. But yesterday's interaction proved to me what I've experienced over and over again. These spirits come to me at a time when they feel like it, and for a specific purpose. My mentor and friend came to me this evening with a specific message for her spouse. The shock of her coming to me, which admittedly took a bit to overcome, was shadowed by the fact that her message needed to be delivered. She sat with me while I in real time processed my grief of her passing, and my apology for never acknowledging the pain it caused before then. I had already received and written down her message, but I give her credit that she stayed with me while I worked through my feelings. By the time I had settled myself enough to process what was said and was ready to receive additional messages for others in her life, she was gone. Just like that. As quickly as she popped in, she popped back out again. That is so very much like her. Always the pragmatist and not one for beating around the bush. I hope I hear from her again, but even if I don't, I'm thankful she chose me to deliver her message.

Attachments: The risk that comes with the gifts

I met up with a friend this morning at a bakery in a building that is known to be haunted. At one point, the friend returned from the restroom and said they were spooked by the bathroom's flickering lights. I said I knew this place was haunted and sensed several ghosts hanging around. I told them I'd let them know if there was a ghost hanging out in the bathroom. 😆 This was meant mostly as a joke, but I also knew that if there was someone in the area, I'd be able to sense them. 

    Turns out there wasn't a ghost in the bathroom, but there was one lingering in the hallway nearby. I asked my spirit guides for protection and went to find the ghost I knew was there. I found him hiding in a corner. His name is John, and he was a mill worker in the facility. He also told me that the year 1898 was significant for him. I said hello and told him my name. I didn't want to spend too long with John, since I had a friend waiting for me back at the cafe. I told him it was nice to meet him and I was sure we would run into one another again. I left thinking no more about it other than to relay the info I learned to my friend. 

    Shortly thereafter, my friend and I walked to our cars in the parking lot and said our goodbyes. No sooner had I opened my car door than I knew John was with me. I guess I hadn't properly protected myself when I interacted with him. I spent about 30 seconds arguing with him, telling him that he in no way shape or form could come back with me. He told me he couldn't leave me and I'd have to take him back to the building. Ok, fine. It's a sunny but brisk day, and I didn't mind the walk. 

    As I approached the building, I sat outside on a bench, closed my eyes, and began my conversation with my spirit guides in earnest. I told John that he is forbidden to stay attached to me, and that I would sit in silence on that bench until I felt him let go. I also asked my spirit guides for support in helping me un-attach him. I did some energy work, released John's cord, and sat silent while I waited for my energy and my guides to do their thing. I don't know how long it took, and I'm sure I looked like a loony to anyone walking by, seeing me sitting on this bench in the cold with my eyes closed! 

    It became apparent that John isn't happy with his lot in the afterlife, and he needs help crossing over into the spirit realm. I told my spirit guides that I would absolutely, right away reach out to others I know who have the skills to assist John in his journey. After what seemed like an eternity, I felt John finally release. I cleansed my energy, stood up, and took out my phone to text my contacts. 

    What a weird thing to experience! I've heard of others getting attachments without even being aware of it happening. I'm glad that I became immediately aware and was able to address it. I don't think John had malicious intent, but boundaries with the spiritual realm are incredibly important! I had previously thought of having some palo Santo on hand for cleansing, but now I think it's a necessity. It's days like today where I think to myself "what a weird life I'm living." LOL! 

Forest Haven: Pine Cottage, "Ms. M," Layla, and the Protected

I mentioned in one of my earlier blog posts that there is rampant dark energy at Forest Haven. I sensed portals, walked into a wall of dark energy, and know that there are also dark, ancient elementals hanging around. My gifted friend sensed that there was a spirit, once a woman who worked at Forest Haven, who dabbled in the use of this dark energy presence to maintain control of some of the ghosts that remain. Others have told stories of unearthly beings - part human, part panther - that roam the streets. Still others have experienced negative side effects from offering help to ghosts to leave the Earth and cross into the spirit realm. 

    I ran into some of those Earth-bound, 'protected' spirits in Pine Cottage. My gift of sensing spirits enables me to sense exactly where Earth-bound spirits are physically in a building. An example of this is my being 'called' to a certain room in my first blog post about Forest Haven. As soon as I walked into Pine Cottage, I sensed an extremely nervous ghost hovering in the corner of the entry room. I could 'see' her there: frail, long, dark, stringy hair; extremely gaunt, and incredibly nervous, wearing a hospital gown. I spoke to her. Immediately she showed me her wrists: dark purple bruises wrapped all the way around them. She told me that when the girls in this building 'acted out', they would be strapped/tied/chained to the beds by their wrists. Sometimes for days on end. You can see me receiving messages from her in this video around the 4:20 mark. I thought that treatment was why she was so nervous, but it turns out there was a much bigger, heavier reason. This ghostly presence didn't talk much, so I said my thanks and moved along. 

    As we walked into the room on the left side of the building, my friend picked up another entity - strong enough to suggest a spirit presence - 'presiding' over the room. I say presiding because it's the best description of what he explained. A stout nurse was pacing the room between rows of beds with a stern look on her face. This woman clearly meant business. One got a sense that you didn't cross her or there would be serious consequences. He describes what he's picking up on in the same video around 5:45. Other than this nurse, I didn't sense anyone else in the room. 

    We moved back through the central corridor and into the mirror room on the right hand side of the building. It was at this point that our paranormal investigator guide was absolutely giddy. He was keeping something from us and wanted to see if we picked up on what he knew. Right away, my friend's attention was directed the back right corner of the room, where he saw a ghost pop up from behind a hiding spot and go right back down again. He said hello, and I guess she knew the gig was up, because she showed herself. Our guide was beside himself! What he had been keeping from us was that he has spent many hours in this particular room, and knew there was a ghost present - she had made herself known to him in a variety of measurable ways on previous visits. 

    A long conversation passed between my friend and this ghost and revealed that she was being 'kept' on site. She and other ghosts, either in their living state or after their passing had been told by this 'entity' that they could remain on site for as long as the buildings stood, and would remain protected by "Ms. M." My friend knew right away that the spirit he detected on the other side of the building was this "Ms. M" person. The agreement is that once the buildings are gone, all the entities being 'kept' and 'protected' by Ms. M would cross over together. This was a very interesting development and explains why some who tried to force a ghost to break this agreement experienced negative side effects. I suspect that we will continue to investigate this relationship on our next visit to FH. 

    In the mean time, we learned that this ghost is nearly mute for whatever reason. She showed my friend pictures of things that represented messages she wanted to convey. He asked for her name, but she was hesitant. Once he identified her name, the ghost revealed that she didn't want to use her given name. She showed my friend a picture of a woman on the cover of a magazine, dressed up in fancy 1920's attire. This ghost liked this actress and wanted to use that name. I searched google frantically for pictures like what my friend described and came up with a couple of candidates. Ultimately, I found a picture of an actress named Leila Hyams. I pulled it up on my phone to show to this ghost. Evidently she walked forward and stood right in front of me - fascinated by my cell phone. I can't imagine what this looks like to someone who lived in the 1920's and 1930's! She poked at it and tried to put her finger through my phone, evidently! Either way, this entity was happy with the picture I found, and was satisfied with us calling her Leila (or Layla). So now that's how we know her. 

    As my companions continued their conversation with Leila, I was being called back into the hallway/entry room by the girl I had encountered earlier. She had an urgent message she wanted to give me (sound familiar??). I walked back in, and as I quieted my mind to listen to her message, she rushed up on me. I got freezing cold, and my spine started tingling. She was trying to enter me! Nothing aggravates me more than someone who violates my space. I very sternly told her she did *not* have permission to enter my body, and to back away from me immediately. She backed off and realized she had to deliver her message the old fashioned way of telepathy. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt her - I was just hungry!" ran through my head over and over again, combined with an image of this girl lunging at the throat of another patient in the ward. This girl wanted people to know that even though she attacked another patient, she was driven mad by the feeling of hunger/starvation. Based on what I picked up earlier, I got the sense she suffered terribly as a result of her actions. She was insistent that I tell my companions her story. I asked her if she wanted to leave this place, and she told me the same thing we heard from Leila. She can't leave because of the 'protector.' 

    Message received, I left this ghost (I plan on asking her her name next time I visit) to go back to my companions. They were having a great time speaking with Leila. I suspect, after all this time she felt relieved that someone could 'hear' her. Like I said, she's interacted with our guide many times before, so she must have felt comfortable opening up as much as she did. I delivered my message to the group as asked. I'm not sure why I was asked to do so, but when I receive requests, it's not really my place to question the 'why.' Spirits and ghosts have their own reasons for that. 

    One of the things I picked up quite strong in the building was a sense that many of the women housed in Pine Cottage suffered from severe mental conditions. Several things came through: 'mania'  and 'depression' were the strongest. Certainly if these women and girls were manic-depressive, it would explain them being chained to the beds for days on end. Examining it through the lens of today, the treatment these women endured is quite barbaric. But at the time, very little was known about these mental conditions, and even less was known about how to handle people in that state. No wonder a chronically under-funded, under-staffed institution like Forest Haven resulted in such extreme measures to control their patient population. 

    This state of affairs of the patients also explains a hell of a lot when it comes to the agreement they have with this "Ms. M" entity. In their living time, this strict nurse must have felt like these women needed protection, and did what she needed to do to ensure that happened. Most of the patient population at Forest Haven were vulnerable, but I imagine that young women with severe manic depression or other debilitating mental conditions were especially vulnerable to predatory behavior. 

    As we prepared to leave Pine Cottage, my friend mentioned that Leila would like some of the furniture moved to the corner of the building so she had a proper place to hide. Later that night, our guide went back to do just that. 

*Just a parting note. I searched for an image to use in this blog post of the institution as it once was. There were very few. The images that do exist are heartbreaking and disturbing, so I opted not to use any of them.