Uncovering my subconscious feelings through clairvoyance

 I have been doing a lot of research lately on how to further develop and fine-tune my skills as a person who can communicate with spirits. Part of that involves not only reading a ton of material, but also doing exercises working with energy, meditation, and developing my clairs. For those of you who may not be familiar with what a 'clair' is, it's the sense that allows a person to understand messages being sent to them from a spirit. The main clairs are: clairvoyance (clear seeing), clairaudience (clear hearing), clairsentience (clear feeling), claircognizance (clear knowing), and others, such as clairempathy, clairalience (clear smelling). Already my clairsentience, claircognizance, and clairempathy are fairly well developed. These senses are what have enabled me to receive messages. But I want to also develop my clairvoyance, as pictures can often tell much more than messages that sometimes come across as abstract. I have some clairvoyance; I'm able to tell what ghosts looked like in their human form. I can pick up on major features like height, hair color, and distinguishing features. But getting the whole picture also relies on picking up on context surrounding the subject. I know sensitive people who can see portals, for example. 

 

Image credit: Mindvalley blog

  One of the exercises that I've conducted to develop my clairvoyance involves visualizing my chakras. That exercise was so profound that I want to share it here. Chakras are the body's energy centers, and there are 7 of them. Each of the chakras have a color and an association. So for example it should come as no surprise that the heart chakra is associated with love. The short description of the exercise goes something like this: you ground and center yourself, and then one by one, ask which chakras wish to be visualized. During this exercise, you call up a chakra and sit with it until a picture forms in your mind that represents that chakra. I visualized five of my chakras during this exercise and the pictures I saw were absolutely breathtaking. I present them here in the order in which they were called. First I will describe the chakra (and its associated color), followed by the emotion I experienced, and then the image in my mind.  
    Solar Plexus (yellow): Associated with free will, self esteem, and confidence. I got a feeling of joy and happiness in this chakra. Slowly, an image developed in my mind of a field full of sunflowers. The field had soft rolling hills. The sky was a brilliant azure blue, the sun was blazing, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I could see the green stems of the sunflowers; the fully developed seeds in the center; a walking path to the right side of the field one could traverse and find themselves among the giants of the flower population. The joy and happiness exuded off of me and brought me to tears. It was overwhelming in the most incredible way. 
    3rd eye (indigo): Associated with intuition, imagination, and 'seeing beyond.' I was hit with a feeling of understanding. The 'seeing' in this chakra was a bit more abstract. The best way I can describe what I saw with this chakra was the ability to see energy. I saw spirit orbs and auras. To further practice my seeing (and to be fair this really is more about sensing than seeing), I imagined myself looking to see my own aura, and then that of my feline companions (yes, I know, but all living creatures have auras). My aura was green, and my cats had violet and yellow auras. It 'looks' a lot like an energy field surrounding the body. The stronger the aura, the further it radiates away from the central being.
    Heart (green): Associated with love and compassion, and boy did I feel it. Sitting quietly, I asked myself to picture what love looks like. Now before I get to what I saw I'd like to ask you dear reader, what image comes to mind when you ask yourself what love looks like? Go ahead and take a moment. Did you picture a loved one? A specific event in your life? Imagine your family? Something else? I thought my image would be that of my children. After all, I can't imagine a more unconditional love than that which I have for my kids. 
    Imagine my surprise when the image that I developed was that of the universe in its entirety! It was like looking at one of the Hubble Deep field images. The universe - vast, all encompassing - laid out in front of me. I was absolutely astounded. I've read that the driving force in the universe isn't gravity, it's love. And maybe on some level that influenced my image. But I can't deny the profound effect this had on me. I'm still ruminating on it, and likely will be for some time. 
    Root (red): Security, groundedness. I can't really say if I had a clear 'feeling' on this one, but the picture that developed in my mind was that of the elements. I first sensed water and Earth, and then slowly an image began to develop. I saw a landscape that encompassed all of the elements except fire. I stood atop a hill. In front of me I saw a rock outcrop. The hill was covered in short, greenish-silver grass. The wind blew gently on my face. Down below lay a valley with a meandering river. The hills on either side of the valley slowly graded down to a plain in the distance. The sun was about 20 degrees above the horizon, and occasionally masked by banks of clouds. It created a bluish-gray tint to the clouds, and the sky was various shades of blue. This landscape wasn't one I had ever witnessed with my own eyes. Whether it is an image of a real place on Earth, I cannot say, but the image was crystal clear and very real to me.
    Finally, my sacral chakra (orange) wanted in on the exercise. This chakra is typically associated with emotions, creativity, and sexuality. But interestingly enough what came through for me was a sense of knowledge and wisdom. I suppose it's fitting since I tend to live more in logic than emotion. I saw an infinite library. Bookshelves lined the wall for as far as the eye could see, and went up at least one story, if not two. I got a sense that this library in all its infinite expanse was ancient. Like it contained all of the collective knowledge of every human that has ever lived on Earth, and even knowledge beyond what we have come to understand as a species. 
    In front of me on a podium was an open book, old and worn. Bound in rich brown leather, its pages were yellowed and wrinkled with time. It was about the width and length of a laptop, but about 6 inches thick. I walked up to the book to see if I could read what was written on the pages. The writing was indiscriminate. I was told by spirit that the words written on the pages were not meant to be read to be understood, but sensed. I placed my hands on the pages to see if I could sense what was contained in this volume, but nothing came to me. I suspect I will be revisiting this place as my development continues, and perhaps as my senses evolve I will be able to gain access to the knowledge in that library. 
    I'm still digesting my experience from this exercise. I think what it was really doing was tapping deep into my subconscious. I'm pleased to know that deep down I feel joy and happiness; seek knowledge; feel grounded with the Earth, and have infinite love for everything that exists. Here I thought it was just going to be an exercise in creating pictures!

So I'm a Medium Now?

 

A lot of things have happened in my life in the past year, but that topic is a subject for a different blog entry. Suffice it to say that if those things hadn't unfolded the way they did, I probably wouldn't have the bandwidth to explore the talents I've recently discovered about myself. 

    First let me start by saying that of all the people in the world, I would have been the least likely person to actively pursue the path I am currently on. I am an atheist, a scientist, and a skeptic. I never believed in an afterlife, though I did hold firm that the matter and energy that comprise all beings continues to exist in some form after our Earth-bound bodies cease to exist. But that is based on science. 

All of that being true, I have had experiences all my life that defied scientific explanation. As a kid I always got 'feelings' or 'vibes' about places. I 've had an out of body experience. I witnessed a spiritual attachment firsthand when I was at a sleepover camp as a girl scout. None of these things were easily explained, but I experienced them nonetheless. As an adult, those 'vibes' continued to grow louder. I got an incredibly heavy, uneasy feeling stepping foot inside the El Rancho Motel in Gallup New Mexico. I now know that the hotel is definitively haunted, and not just by benign spirits. Same uneasy feeling, albeit not as strong, when I visited some friends and they took me to a restaurant in downtown Chicago. The hair stands up on the back of my neck when I drive by places that I instinctively know are haunted. 

    I've also always been incredibly empathetic and intuitive, although it took me until recently to understand the extent of not only my sensitivity in this matter but just how much it impacts me on a daily basis. It really wasn't until I got an ADHD diagnosis and started medication that I could clearly see the porosity of my energetic boundaries.

    But how did I go from having these unexplained experiences to knowing I'm a Medium? That is easy, though I'm still in a bit of disbelief about it all. Earlier in the fall, a family member passed rather suddenly. Later that night, hours after they passed I was contacted by them telepathically. I had no clue this was something that occurred until it was happening to me. I could visualize the 'thread' that connected us. I had a conversation with them. I was responding to their questions and statements verbally before my conscious brain could process what was happening. This person, now in spirit form, had an urgent message I was to deliver. It was so urgent that the spirit insisted I deliver the message immediately to the intended receiver, despite the fact that I was certain they were unavailable and wouldn't even receive the message until the morning. I argued with the spirit, but they were so insistent that I relented and delivered the message. Much to my surprise, the receiver was available and received the message immediately. No sooner had I hit "send" on the text message that the connection between myself and this family member disappeared. Clearly, I had served my purpose and they didn't need to continue the connection. 

    That was about two months ago. Since then, I have gone headfirst into a world that I had previously thought was full of woo-woo nonsense (see previous comment about being a skeptic). Now, I not only firmly understand (saying 'believing' would suggest that there is room to argue otherwise) that life exists after death, but that souls can communicate with those that are sensitive and open. I have since been contacted by several spirits that have crossed over. I've also had conversations with a few ghosts that have remained Earth-bound. Most of them have urgent messages of concern that need to be delivered to a receiver. In one case, a loved one came through to confirm their existence as a spirit guide for someone with whom I was conversing. 

    I'm still in a bit of disbelief about it all. There is no scientific explanation for my experiences. And me of all people, who despite my own personal experiences didn't believe in the existence of spirits or ghosts is now pursuing the path of becoming a professional medium. An incredibly gifted scientist friend said something to me about my telepathic conversation that resonated. They said something to the effect of, "There may never be a scientific explanation for your experiences, but to deny them is to deny your authentic experience in life." So here I am, stepping outside of my comfort zone and away from a career path that has stability to pursue a career that makes use of my newly discovered gift. I trust whatever comes next is meant to happen. Stay tuned!

Living with Anxiety

Image from CS Photography

It has only been about a year since I have realized that I have a serious problem with anxiety. There were signs years ago, as a young adult, but I had no idea what it was or that I was living through it. I have only made reference a few times, because it's not something that's easily understood by people who don't suffer. But, I wanted to give everyone an idea of what it is like to live through an anxiety disorder.

Imagine yourself lying on the ground with a 200 pound boulder on your chest. As much as you try, you cannot get up, and you cannot remove the boulder from your chest. On top of that, you have a constant buzzing in your head that feels like a series of electrodes that are strapped to the front, top, and back of your skull. You try to relax it away, but it doesn't stop. You try deep breathing. Meditation. Mindfulness. No matter what you try, it doesn't go away. You're angry. Irritable. Pissed off at your significant other, the dearest person in your life, for no reason.  Everything they say, do, or offer does nothing but make you madder. You feel like you might snap at any moment.

Those are the physical symptoms. Then there are the cognitive symptoms to deal with.

Your rational brain tells you that you're stupid.  That you need to just snap out of it. Your life is perfect. There's no reason to feel the way you're feeling. You suck at your life. You suck at your job. You're a fraud and it's just a matter of time before everyone figures that out. Every time you hear someone whisper, it's about you. About how you are fat. Or ugly. Or aren't dressed the right way. Every email you receive from your boss is hidden with innuendo. About how you're not really doing your job. About how you're not good enough. At any moment, you are going to be fired (see above about being a fraud).

Not every day is like that. Some days have the physical symptoms. Some days have the emotional ones. The worst days have both to such an extreme that you cannot focus, for it's nothing but fear that makes you function. Fear of failure. Fear of having real physiological problems (hello heart attack?). At the most extreme, you shut down completely. Unable to engage. You sleep, or sleep walk. Going through the motions. So overcome by the symptoms of anxiety that you are like a walking zombie.

And the loved ones that surround you only want to make you better. They want to offer words of encouragement. Words of love and help. And as much as you understand where they are coming from, you can't help but feel that they are coming from a point of pity. Because the anxiety tells you lies. That you are unworthy. That everyone hates you. That everyone thinks the worst of you because of that one thing you might have said or done that one time. Events from the past become instant replays that play over and over and over again. Obsession about what you did (or didn't do) become the forefront of your mind.

If you're lucky, you witness this as if from an outside party. You watch yourself go through these symptoms and think "just snap out of it." "This is ridiculous and not reality." "There is no reason to feel like this." Except that you can't. The obsessive thoughts and physiological symptoms are uncontrollable. As much as you will, breathe, mentally stop yourself from being there, you're there. There's nothing you can do about it. You have to live it and deal with it.

I like to believe that I've gotten quite good at recognizing when the anxiety monster is taking over. But sometimes, the side effects of anxiety take over and you are unable to see it for what it really is. Those days are the ones where you want to be somebody, anybody else. To not be the person you are. You yell. You scream. You retreat. You shut down. You scare your family. Anxiety robs you of your fundamental self. Of your carefree, loving, understanding self. You hope that one day, maybe, your family can understand what it is that you're going through, and that it's not your fault.

I have had some family members and friends to thank for helping me realize that I have been struggling with this demon for too long, and that these thoughts, actions, and feelings are all part of the anxiety. I am in the process of understanding and dealing with my anxiety. I say 'dealing' because I have come to quickly realize that there is no real control. As much as my cognitive, rational brain would like to believe it, this is one particular area of my life under which I have absolutely no control. If I did, I would not continue to live through these symptoms the way I have for at least a third (if not half, at this point) of my life.

I want to let people know that if you suffer with anxiety, it's not your fault. It's not within your control. It's not even rational. And all of that sucks. But understanding it and dealing with its consequences will be key to living a fulfilling life, anxiety and all. I am on my journey. It will be a lifelong journey, filled with peaks and valleys. And I am dealing with it the best I can.

Saying Goodbye

I was given a bit of shock today, as I found out that I have to say goodbye to something that has been a part of my life for over 5 years. I must say that even though I wasn't all too surprised, the suddenness of it all really rocked me to my core. A year ago the stress of the situation would have probably made me crack. After all, I've got a much more solid foundation now than I did a year ago at this time, and it still threw me for a loop. It's funny how you can find yourself taking things for granted, only to have them pulled out from under you going "what just happened?" Come to think of it, I guess that's usually how it goes. The initial shock lasted about 45 minutes while I had this deer-in-the-headlights sort of feeling. "Did I really just have that conversation? I must have been dreaming." The tears that were shed were shed out of sadness, but also out of a sense of feeling like I had just been personally attacked and left for dead. I couldn't help but feel like my whole world was going to tumble down all around me.

After the shock wore off, I found myself falling into a loop of desperation - it's so-and-so's fault, and this thing happened that had nothing to do with me - that I have seen in other people and have despised them for having that attitude. I definitely played the blame game, and as I did, it was almost like I was watching myself from the outside. I didn't recognize myself and certainly didn't like myself in that moment. Although I have endured many things in my life that could easily allow me to play the victim card, I for one was not going to allow myself to go that way. Yes, the situation sucks. And yes, chances are when I have the conversation that is unavoidable, I am going to find out things about myself that I didn't want to know.

But I ultimately believe that this is how people grow and learn. We get too comfortable with ourselves and how we operate, and life has this funny way of coming along and reminding you that we must forever be vigilant about ourselves and our actions. Getting comfortable means getting sloppy, and once you get sloppy, you make mistakes. Isn't that what being human is all about - making mistakes and learning from them? The thing that is different between last year and now is that I'm armed with tools to help me cope with it. Last year, my stress levels were already operating at 80% capacity 24/7. I was overworked, tired, and on edge at all times. Now that I have gotten used to the stressors that caused my brain to overload, I have had time to re-evaluate how I react to the world around me. I recognized that I could no longer continue on the path that I was taking. Stress was taking its toll on me and the people around me that I love.

So now, faced with this challenge that has happened, all I can do is move forward. Forward into a world where I mitigate what can be mitigated, serve penance for my mistakes, and grow as a person. I'm not going to blame everyone and everything around me for what has happened. While circumstances arose that ultimately led to this point, no one circumstance or person can be blamed, including myself. What I will also not refuse to do is take a long, honest, hard look at myself and the mistakes I have made that were contributing factors to this goodbye. To turn a blind's eye to one's faults is to never learn from our mistakes, never grow as a person. I don't want that for myself. I'm short enough as it is.

And what about this goodbye? It's strange. I have mixed feelings. I know that I will learn from this situation, and ultimately it will help me be a better person in the long run. But at the same time, I am saddened to have to let go of something that has been a part of me for so long. It was there when I took my first steps, learning day-by-day what it is to be who I am. It was there as I endured the growing pains of pushing myself beyond what I thought my preparation taught me. Could it be that this goodbye was meant to be - a casualty of those growing pains? I may never know the answer to that question. One day in the future, as I look back on this situation I hope that I can say that this goodbye, as painful as it is, has taught me to push the envelope, reminded me to keep a watchful eye, and made me a better person. For now, saying goodbye has taught me that I still have a lot to learn, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

A New Year, A New Decade, A New Beginning

I kind of think it's funny that we as humans put such emphasis on the passage of a year, a decade, or even a millennium. Remember the panic that was Y2K? Hard to believe it was a decade ago. :-P I wonder what it is in our nature that makes us place such significance on the passing of one second in time. Because really, that's what it all comes down to - one second. (I suppose I could make the argument that it comes down to a femtosecond, but really.. who counts down in femtoseconds besides the occasional physicist?) When the clock strikes 00:00:00, you're a year older (in the case of your birthday), it's a new year (in the case of January 1), and everything is supposed to change. When the clock strikes 00:00:00 on your 18th birthday, you can all of a sudden buy cigarettes, vote, and join the military. One second stands in the way of whether or not you can legally order a drink at a bar. Yet I'm susceptible to the same labeling scheme as the rest of us. This year, one second meant making (and keeping) a New Year's resolution for me.

So what is it that keeps us coming back to the turning of a year? And what is it that makes us believe that the passing of a year is the best time to make new beginnings, new resolutions? What is to prevent us from making those resolutions at any time of the year? What is preventing us from deciding that, right at this moment is the best time to take charge of our lives and our destinies, rather than waiting for some perceived significant passing of one second?

I made a resolution this year for myself, despite that in past years I didn't even believe in them. Why the sudden change in heart? I realized that the reason why I didn't make them in the past is the same reason why I decided to make one this year. I've always wondered about the New Year's resolution phenomenon. I thought "why wait until now?" And then I realized that I was always waiting for some significant time to make a change in my life - until I reached a certain milestone in age, until work settled down and wasn't so hectic. Was it really all that different than making a resolution? Not really. Our lives are short. The average life span of an American woman is 79 years, which is 2,491,344,000 seconds. We spend 30% of our lives sleeping, leaving 1,743,940,800 seconds of our waking time. Approximately another 30% is spent at work. That leaves 1,220,758,560 seconds for me to do what I chose over my lifetime. Now, given my age, I have slightly over half of my life left. Divide my free seconds in half, and I'm left with 732,455,136 seconds.

Given the availability of seconds left in my lifetime, do I want to wait for some perceived significant time in my life (a promotion, a new pet, more time, etc) to decide that I want to make a change? No! So, I guess I really have made two resolutions for myself this year. The first is to finally make the changes in my life that will leave me healthier and 35 lbs lighter. The other is to not wait for some "significant point" in my life to decide I want to change something. Life is just too short to make excuses or "wait" to make changes.

Triathlon training & Motivation

I don't know what my problem is, but lately I have had zero desire to train for this sprint tri that is looming only 3 weeks away. I signed up for the thing with the best intentions. I thought having an event with an actual deadline would motivate me enough to get of my butt and do something productive for my health. That was seven months ago.

Perhaps it's because my upper lip began to sweat immediately once I stepped outside to take the dogs for a walk today. Perhaps it's because.. well, I don't really know why it I'm procrastinating. I realized that all the swimming I had been doing had contributed significantly to my ability to do the marathon hiking in GNP a couple of weeks ago. Trips like those are exactly why I want to stay in shape - so I don't die when trying to do some of my actual enjoyed exercises like hiking and backpacking. I think perhaps part of my motivation is linked to my weight loss issues. It's not that me being overweight is preventing me from doing the activities like biking and swimming. I think it's more that I have this illusive goal of being this ripped, in shape wonderwoman, and I realize the amount of time and energy it would take to get to that point. Part of me thinks "yeah - I want to be healthy and in shape, and have a low body fat percentage" and all that jazz. The other part of me seriously doubts I would ever be able to make it to that point.

It's just like me, you know. I stress out about things I have no control over - like episodes at work that make me crazy. And then, the things that are perfectly within my control - like getting healthy - I completely ignore and most times do the opposite of what I know I should. What is that about?

I've been successful in weight loss before, and I was regularly exercising and generally feeling good. I've proven to myself that I'm capable of losing weight and making healthy choices for myself. I recently saw a picture of myself at the lowest weight I had achieved in years - almost 30 lbs lighter than I am now - and thought, "holy crap! Look how skinny I was!" I know that skinny person is somewhere inside, desperately trying to show herself again. Yet I'm doing everything I can to ensure that doesn't happen. It's time to get to the bottom of this.

Glacier National Park

I've decided that after that trip I'm either incredibly resilient or amazingly stupid. The truth is probably somewhere in between. It started on 01 July when our friend Brad said at climbing "I'm going backpacking in Glacier. Anyone wanna go?" I perked up out of my unusually bad mood (I had been dragged to climbing against my will) and responded with a "Hell yeah!" Long ago Oscar and I had discussed doing a similar trip as part of our honeymoon, but it was waylaid by other plans (you know, a rocket launch, that sort of thing). It usually happens that Brad goes on vacation at the last minute, so none of us were surprised by his announcement. We just asked for him to give us more advanced notice when he goes on these sorts of things so that we can tag along too. Last time he told us three days before he left, so this time we got nine days notice!

Anyway, it turned out that Oscar and I both could go. Suhweet! Oh yeah, the resilient vs stupid debate. That one can be decided for yourself. I'm going to add a very large asterisk to this story: Brad planned everything, so I really have no right to complain about the amount of hiking we did ;-)

Day 1: We began our day with a fabulous breakfast at the Park Cafe (love them!) after being dropped off by shuttle #1. A quarter-mile walk (as if we needed to do more walking) to the St. Mary Visitor Center inside Glacier Park, and we were on another shuttle. We were dropped off at a location called "The Loop" along Going to the Sun Road. So our adventure began. It was hot. Stupid hot. Mountains aren't supposed to be that hot! It didn't help that our entire trek that day was through an area that had been completely burned out 6 years ago. No shade, with the exception of the side of a hill. Dude. What did I get myself into? I thought I was going to die. Nausea from the lack of electrolytes plus the steep ascent had totally kicked my booty. And not in a good way. Imagine my relief when we reached the top of the hill (or at least the top of the steep section). Short-lived. Mosquitoes. Thousands of them. Which led to the hour long sprint through the meadows (ok, not a sprint, but damn near close to it) to try to avoid them. Didn't help. Oscar and Brad got chewed to bits. Fortunately for me, I was hiking in between two very good mosquito magnets. I just had to deal with the occasional bite and a swarm as thick as syrup.

Our trek continued along this line (more uphill, are you serious?) across the top of Flat Top mountain. Our total ascent that day was around 3,000 feet or so. Several hours into our hike and as we were running out of daylight, we realized that we had to climb back down that dang mountain and up again to our campsite. Damn. Can't we just have a zip line? Sometime around 10 pm we rolled into the camp site (lots of daylight in that part of the country in the summer). I kept watch over our stuff at the food site while Brad went to get water and Oscar set up our tents. I think they really just didn't want to stand still with the mosquitoes. Not that I could blame them. :-P Then food. Oh food. How I love you.

Brad had asked me to put together the stove. I hadn't used it before, but I figured it couldn't be that hard. Burner: check. fuel: check. pump: check. Oh. It's leaking. Perhaps I had put it together wrong. I decided to leave it for Brad to check on. Yep, I had not seated the pump properly and it was leaking about the top of the fuel canister. No problem. It still leaked. Wait, what? Turns out that the stove was over 10 years old and the pump was cracked. Given that the fuel canister needed to be pressurized in order to deliver fuel to the burner, using it with a leak was not a good idea. No stove. Dinner, then, was recovery drink (don't get Luna dark chocolate recovery drink - tastes awful!) and some trail mix. Then bed, probably some time around 11 pm, judging by the twilit sky.

Day 2: Ok, muscles aren't too sore. A little stiff from our 12 mile hike the previous day, but not too bad considering. The previous night we decided to add water to our meals and see if they "cooked" overnight. Bad idea. I had a freeze dried version of Pad Se Ew noodles. With rice stick noodles and raw garlic. I probably could have choked down the crunchy rice stick noodles, but the raw garlic was simply inedible. Blech. Burned the back of my throat. Ok, so it's granola for breakfast. The granola was a win. :-) The scenery for day 2 greeted us with a smile. Meadows of yellow and white wild flowers with an occasional stream and a snow field for good measure (see picture). The hike on day 2 was only 8.2 miles. Much more doable than the 12 from the previous day. The bulk of the hike was spent descending the side of a mountain to a stream. We were treated to sweeping vistas of glacial valleys and waterfalls. The stuff storybooks are made of. I was glad to have such a stark contrast from the previous day. We actually saw pine trees that were still alive! The last 2.6 miles of the day were up another 1,750 feet climb to a cirque basin, bringing the day's total to around 2,300 feet. Dang. I decided that we were bad-asses. ;-) Thankfully we were greeted at our campsite with a welcome sight: friendly fellow hikers who were willing to share their stove! We actually had a hot meal that night. Pesto salmon never tasted so good! The camp site at Stoney Indian pass was located at the foot of a small glacial lake. The pit toilet - well let's just say it had sweeping views and throngs of mosquitoes.

Day 3: Our fellow hikers got a much earlier start than us. They were out of there before most of us had exited our tents. Turns out that was a really smart thing to do. Breakfast was followed by me using our tent as a haven from mosquitoes as I packed my backpack and got ready to go. We had all just finished packing and getting water when we saw a lightning bolt hit the mountainside not 200 yards from where we were. Crap. Not good considering we needed to hike 1,000 feet up to cross Stony Indian pass. And either way we sliced it, we were now at least 20 miles from civilization. As we sat on Brad's foam sleeping pad and hunkered down in our rain gear, a though drifted through my brain, "What in the hell am I doing?" It wasn't the first time that thought had entered my head. We waited out the thunder and lightning and set off for our 8.7 mile hike. By the time we were at the head of the lake the rain had stopped. Sweet. Hopefully that was the worst of it. I decided to keep my rain gear on (just-in-case), as the clouds looked threatening enough. Brad took his rain pants off and nearly got a serious case of hypothermia. The view from the top of Stony Indian Pass would most likely have been stunning. That is if it weren't for the driving rain that greeted us at the top. We descended the valley past a series of lakes and waterfalls, all the while being pelted with rain. By the time we reached our campsite, the rain had stopped. At least long enough for us to hang our packs, pitch our tents and get inside of them to dry off and warm up. The Glen Lake head campground (which wasn't our site) allowed fires. We found this out because we passed a group of people looking rather toasty by a roaring fire. One of the members of the group walked past us and said "You look rather wet." Thank you captain obvious!

We didn't take many pictures on Day 3. It was far too wet and cold for us to stop long enough, and that combined with the views of the clouds made for lousy photo conditions. It started to rain again about 15 minutes after we climbed into our tents. And it continued to rain until about an hour before we all woke up. Our tent held up relatively well considering. A few drops had found their way through the rain fly, but it wasn't anything we couldn't deal with. Brad's tent, on the other hand, didn't fare as well. It was a good thing he had a closed-cell sleeping pad. Otherwise he would have wound up sleeping in puddles. As it was, all of our sleeping pads and bags had gotten somewhat wet from our fabulous trek through the torrential rain earlier in the day. Oscar brought up the question that was looming in all of our minds "Do we stick it out for the whole time, or try to get home tomorrow?"

Day 4: We decided that we had enough camping. Especially now that everything was soaked. Water makes everything heavier, and with the combination of not being able to eat our freeze-dried dinners and all the wet stuff we were carrying, our packs were heavier than they were when we started. That's exactly NOT what is supposed to happen to them! Our decision to cut our trip short by a day meant that we had an almost 18 mile hike ahead of us that day. Thankfully the sun graced us with its presence, and the weather warmed up quite a bit. The first six miles of the hike were relatively flat. Day 4 was supposed to be our easy hike day. An elevation change of 200 feet and the shortest distance. It would have been a great day to relax (wait, what is that?) and hang out by Elizabeth lake. We hung out around Elizabeth lake for about an hour. Long enough to dry out our feet, restock our water supply, and enjoy some "gorp" of pepperoni and cheese that some fellow hikers generously shared with us. I'm so bringing pepperoni and cheese next time. Stupid stove! :-P

I could write an entire blog post about the rest of the hike on Day 4. The middle 6 miles were studded with a 3,000 foot climb to the top of Ptarmigan Pass, switchbacks, a really, really, really incredibly steep, narrow incline up the side of a mountain, and a tunnel. I would not recommend it for those of a faint of heart (or fear of heights). Did I mention that I'm afraid of heights? Yeah. The whole time I was hiking along that steep section of the trail I kept saying "this is crazy." I was petrified. But there was nothing to do but push through it, tell myself to put one foot in front of the other, and ignore the precipitous fall I was convinced I was going to take. I still think it was crazy. And people take horses on that trail! As we neared the top of the hill, the clouds once again rolled in and up right to us. So much for the view from the top! It rained again, confirming to us that our decision to hike it out that day was the correct one. The final 6 miles were a very welcome downhill.

It might sound like I'm complaining about this trip in this post. Quite the contrary. With the exception of the first day's worth of insane heat and hiking, the trip was awesome! The mosquitoes, the rain, and even the broken stove were laughed off. After all, there's nothing else you can do when you're in the wilderness and miles from home but give in and enjoy yourself. I like to say that even though the hiking was tough, it was a small admission fee to pay to see the views that greeted us around every corner. I would do it again. But not for at least another year. ;-)