Understanding my Spiritual Connection to Water

All my life I have felt connected to water. There's just some magnetic pull it has over me that is inexplicable. Even as a pre-verbal baby, I was told that when my parents tried to take me out of a pool, I would scream and cry until they brought me back in. I don't remember learning how to swim. Of course I remember taking swim lessons as a kid, but that was on technique and stroke, not on the basics of survival in a bottomless void. That was something that just seemingly came naturally to me. 

  As a kid, I would spend hours and hours in the pool, in the ocean, or wherever I happened to be that there was a body of water. I would have to be chastised repeatedly to come out of the water long enough to put on more sunscreen. Otherwise, I was in it. I recall countless hours and days body boarding on the outer banks of North Carolina during family vacations. Often I was completely unsupervised while the adults went back to the house. Granted I don't think that's the wisest of parenting decisions, but it was a different time then. Haha! I suppose the 'adults in charge' felt comfortable enough with my abilities to leave me unattended.

Some people are afraid of water for various reasons - the thought of a bottomless abyss, unknown creatures lurking in the deep, or lack of confidence in their own ability to stay afloat keep them from appreciating it. None of those things ever crossed my mind. My connection only strengthened as I became an adult and found new ways to enjoy spending time in or on the water. Despite my strong seasickness reflex, I started scuba diving, snorkeling, whitewater rafting, and kayaking. Being on or near water gives me a deep sense of calm that I only experience in one other place - in the mountains. 

Last fall, when I fully realized my gifts to be able to communicate with spirit and the universe, it occurred to me that this deep connection and sense of zen that I have with bodies of water might be related to a past life. I decided to ask about it in one of my daily meditations. I asked my spirit guides to tell me about why I am so deeply drawn to water. I was shown an image of me as a brown skinned man, working on a wooden raft. I was given the sense that my entire existence was reliant on water. I was part of a civilization that lived on, resourced, and worshiped water. I similarly have always had a fascination with the Aztec and Mayan cultures. Something tells me that those two things are tied together. Regardless, despite how many millennia may have passed between that life I lived and my life now, my profound respect, admiration, and affinity for water persists. I'm grateful that I have a place to go where I can reset my nervous system and find myself at peace. 

Sanctuary of the Strange: Tom

Oh where do I start with Tom? During our initial walk through of the Sanctuary of the Strange, one of the owners took us into a room and said "Notice the smell? This is the only room that smells like this, and it doesn't seem to change regardless of what we do. There's also a really weird vibe in here." 

    I immediately picked up on the reason. I told the owner that it was due to the person hanging around in the corner. He is comfortable in this room and doesn't really leave. Later on in our investigation, I learned of this ghost's name and birth date: Tom, born in 1938. I got the sense that Tom was in his late 60's, early 70's when he passed. Austin brought in a REM POD to see if we could get Tom to interact. That was a no-go. Not only was Tom *not* interested in exploring the REM POD's potential, he backed away from it, and complained loudly to me about not only the device, but about all of the other 'stuff' that was in the room. Tom is what's best described as a 'crotchety old man.' Definitely the "get off my lawn" type. He was full of anxiety, which explains the 'weird vibe' that the owner described and I picked up on. Austin offered Tom some candy, and he reluctantly agreed that he liked the orange flavor.

ChatGPT recreation of the scene
in Tom's room. It's not exactly what
Tom looks like, but it's close enough.

Later in the evening, the two other paranormal investigators camped out in Tom's room. They *also* set up a REM POD, hoping to get the ghost that was present to interact. I had popped in to ask them how it was going, and they said they had very little response from the entity there. I told them it wasn't surprising, and informed them about what we experienced and I learned about Tom. I hadn't stayed long, as I was off to go explore more of the facility. 

    The absolute funniest interaction I had with Tom was when I returned again. The two investigators were still hanging out in Tom's room, chit chatting with one another. I walked into the room and heard "There are TOO MANY people in MY ROOM. Get the F*CK OUT." I literally busted out laughing and immediately left the room. This particular room has an opening and a counter top, so I moved to that part of the space and told everyone what I had just heard. The next time I visit the Sanctuary of the Strange, I am going to have to revisit Tom's room and see if I can get more of his story. What a trip he is! 

    

Sanctuary of the Strange: Matt

I knew of Matt's existence at the Sanctuary of the Strange, though I didn't know his name until I arrived. Months ago, one of the Paranormal Investigators I wound up visiting the place with sent me images of the facilities. I picked up on a male, late teens to early 20's, hanging around, in addition to several spirits whom were buried in the graveyard surrounding the church. Subsequent remote viewing by my friend Tom and an investigation by one of the owners revealed the presence of an angry male spirit hanging around and about the premises, in addition to them hanging about the surrounding neighborhood. 

    In our original walk through of the property by the owners, we were alerted to an incredibly angry ghost who was threatening anyone who entered the boiler room. I walked through the narrow cinder block entry to the boiler room and immediately announced to the owners "He's here, and his name is Matt." In the short time I have been aware of my gifts I have realized that regardless of my own egotistical doubts, the information I receive from my spirit guides or from other spirits is true. I don't expect that I will ever stop questioning this gift. My human brain still can't comprehend why I continue to receive data that has no rational validation other than my own sense of "knowing" what is true. Regardless, time and time again what I have received has proven to be validated, so I just go with it and speak with certainty. 

    Matt was one of the ghosts for whom I felt a presence when I sat down in the sanctuary to understand who was talking to us. I immediately knew that he was the young man I sensed in my own remote viewing. It became clear to me based on the info I received from the owner and my own friend Tom (not to be confused with the spirit Tom whom I would encounter later) that he had a message that needed to be heard. 

    Matt's message was clear. He was killed in a drug-related crime. He was angry because he was betrayed by someone he thought was a friend. "He was my friend, man!" was a repeated message I kept receiving from him. He didn't die in or near the church. He was killed in the surrounding neighborhood, but found the church to be a place of respite. My friend Tom's remote viewing sensed this angry spirit roaming the woods in a neighborhood surrounding the church, so it was an interesting confirmation that Matt would be there. Also weirdly confirmed by the fact that I was told by my spirit guides that the church itself was a "protected" space. 

    Matt clearly felt betrayed by those he felt were his friends. It makes sense that he felt like he was unjustly unalived. The only other information I received from him was that he lived at some point after 1980, so it wasn't a great bit of info to track down how or why his murder occurred. I've since searched the archives to figure out who he is but my search has turned up with no leads. Regardless of his circumstance, it was clear that he was an angry spirit, felt restless in his death, and was searching for a way out. And that's why it's not surprising that he went running toward the portal that opened when I met Bobby.  

    I should point out that it was after I helped Bobby cross, and felt Matt rush up on me, that we as a group returned to the boiler room. I told the 3 paranormal investigators that I felt no one in the room with us. It was after several minutes of an estes experiment, through which I personally participated and no meaningful communication came through, coupled with Elise's confirmation that I was 100% certain that Matt was the ghost that left when the portal was open.

    

Sanctuary of the Strange: Bobby

I learned the habit of asking my spirit guides if it is okay to go to an investigation from my friend Tom. The morning I visited Sanctuary of the Strange, I asked my spirit guides and was told "Yes. You have work to do there." Having already witnessed and assisted with Earth-bound spirits crossing into the spiritual realm, I knew that meant there were lost souls who needed to find their way home. As I toured through the exhibits in the sanctuary, I walked along the last row and toward the front doors. I felt the presence of a spirit hanging out in the corner. 

    Instinctively I sat down on the floor. Something told me this would be a less-threatening posture to whomever was there. I was joined by my daughter and Austin who immediately did the same. There I met a 6 year old boy named Bobby. I said hello to him and told him my name. I didn't learn a lot about him. He was incredibly scared and just kept telling me he wanted his mommy. I asked him if he wanted help. He said he did and he just wanted to go home. I asked AA Michael to help with him crossing. AA Michael appeared and knelt down next to Bobby. I couldn't hear what he was saying to the boy, but in an instant a portal opened up. 

    In through the portal walked a blonde woman - Bobby's mother. Though I didn't know much about him, I got the immediate impression he was alive in the 1950's based on his mother's attire. She was immaculately dressed in a matching skirt and shirt, heels, perfect makeup and blonde, curly hair. Bobby's face immediately lit up when he saw his mother. She walked up to him, knelt beside him, and talked to him. I saw his demeanor immediately change from scared to calm. As his mom stood up, she embraced him, and said what I could only surmise as 'it's time to go'. She placed her hands gently on his shoulder and led him toward the portal. 

    As Bobby's mother was speaking to him, I suddenly felt something behind me. I turned to see a spirit rushing up toward me, but they weren't aiming for me. They recognized the portal for what it was and were extremely eager to get to it. I watched this spirit 'run' past me - again with whether or not spirits actually 'run' but that's the best analogy I can find - and straight into the portal. I had a sneaky suspicion it was another of the ghosts hanging about named Matt. I'll tell his story in another post. That suspicion was later confirmed when I spoke with Elise. 

    I narrated what I was seeing with Bobby for my daughter and Austin's sake. They both noted my reaction when Matt came rushing past me, and I told them about that as well. 

Witnessing Earth bound ghosts cross into the spirit realm will never get old. I find it one of the most satisfying parts of using my gifts. 

Sanctuary of the Strange: Elise

It's been a minute since I've done a paranormal investigation. Last night I was privileged enough to be able to investigate the Sanctuary of the Strange in Pikesville, MD. You can read about the history of the place on the facility's website. It was an incredibly positive and heartwarming experience. I attended with my daughter and 3 paranormal investigators. The owners of the facility gave us an overview of the place, discussed some of the results of the investigation they did, and left us to it. While we were chit-chatting with the owners, the EMF bell they have in the facility was going off on a regular cadence. I had seen the device used in ghost hunting shows, and always thought it was a farce. That was until I met Elise. 

    There were at least 4 ghosts hanging out in the facility that I detected, and several others out in the graveyard. I'll write about my interactions with some of the others in a later post. Elise hung out in the sanctuary part of the church. Early on in the investigation, I sat in a chair in the sanctuary so that I could get to know the ghosts hanging around. The only info I got about Elise was her name. I learned that she really didn't like to reveal a lot about herself or her story, and was hesitant to get too close to people. Here's a video I took next to the EMF bell, which prior to me walking up beside it, was dinging away. 

As you can see, my presence next to the bell was met with silence. I decided to back away from the bell and stay at a 'safer' distance, and try to communicate with Elise again:

She immediately expressed her pleasure with my distance from her! Several of us continued to communicate with Elise using the bell using yes or no questions. She would ring it if the answer to a question was yes. The bell would stay silent if the answer to a question was no. Among the things we asked her: "Are there other spirits here besides you?" Yes. "Did Matt cross over with Bobby (two other ghosts I met while there)?" Yes. "Do you like it here?" Yes. "Do you want to leave?" No. 

    I later asked my spirit guides to give me more information about Elise since she didn't want to tell us about herself. Austin (one of the paranormal investigators) had a deck of Tarot cards that I used in my communication. There was a lot we learned about Elise. She had quite the sad life. When I asked if it was okay to share her story beyond those of us who learned about it, the bell was deafeningly quiet. I got the sense of sadness and shame from Elise. In addition to learning about her life, my spirit guides gave me a little more about her appearance that I told my daughter and Austin about. Brown, curly hair that was between her chin and her shoulders "DING!." A strong, narrow straight nose bridge "DING!". She was in her late 20's, early 30's when she passed "DING!"

    Needless to say, based on the intelligent responses we got from our interactions with Elise and the fact that I was able to discern her name and some information about her (with the assistance of my spirit guides), I am now a true believer in the use of the EMF bell for communication with ghosts. Elise also was really excited to use the REM POD, though she was too busy setting it off for us to effectively use it for communication with her. 

On Love and Loss: A conversation with my higher self

I connected with my higher self this morning in meditation. It's a practice I have just recently begun, with the intent of getting to know the wiser, more spiritual part of my soul. As part of my healing journey, I am noticing old wounds that manifest themselves in my daily interactions with people. I am healing those wounds through self reflection and meditation. The most recent of those wounds I've noticed is the fear of loss. "Let's examine my fear of loss," I said. Interacting with my higher self is interesting and quite different than communicating with my spirit guides. In the latter, voices 'appear' in my head that are distinctly different than my own. With my higher self, the voice that appears is my own. So it's quite strange to listen to myself.. talk to myself. 

    I wanted to share today's conversation in particular because loss is a universal human experience. Throughout our lifetimes, we experience many losses over a range of magnitudes, from the small to the grand. My own fear of loss drives anxiety in my day to day interactions with people; worrying about losing someone puts my lizard brain in overdrive, which takes a great deal of energy to overcome. My higher self took me through an exercise that was quite enlightening. It's best presented as a first-person narrative, so that is how I am going to discuss it below. I'll discuss my feelings and reactions as I went through this exercise afterward. TW: miscarriage. 

   "Put your hand over your heart. Think about all of the loss that you've experienced in your life. You've experienced a great deal: all the people that you loved that have left you or never showed up properly. The babies you lost. Your innocence. The homes, jobs that you loved....

Now think about all of the love that you shared with those people and things that you've lost. You loved openly. You need to know that love is universal, infinite, and indestructible. The love that you shared still exists. It can never be destroyed or taken away from you. It will stay with you forever. 

The pain you experience with loss is temporary. It absolutely hurts. But the thing that remains, and remains always is love. Know that there is nothing to fear about loss. You will feel pain - that is a given - but you have experienced the pain of loss and made it through to the other side. You have the strength to endure that pain. And what you're left with after the pain subsides is the love. The infinite, enduring emotion that transcends everything."

    As I sat and listened to my higher self, I wept. At first it was because of the memories of loss. My two angel babies. My dear best friend who died way too young. The grief of never having the parents and family unit that I deserve. The loss of a job that I thought would be forever. The feeling of a place of belonging and safety that I always needed but never had until recently. My marriages. I wept for all of it. As tears ran down my face, my higher self changed the focus. 

   Listening to what my wise higher self had to say, the nature of my tears changed. I instantly knew that what was being said about love as an infinite, indestructible force is true. I wept now because I knew that the love I gave and received will forever be mine. The other thing I truly believe is that I have the strength within to endure the pain that comes with loss. It used to be that I lacked the self-efficacy to believe that. Thankfully after 47 years on this planet, I've finally found that strength. 

    Whether this will permanently eradicate my anxiety and fear about loss remains to be seen. However, whenever anxiety arises, I now have the tools to remind myself that there is nothing to fear. Any pain I may endure will be temporary and will lessen with time. But what remains - what always remains - is love. That is something to be celebrated.

Reflections on my Journey

Today's message from my spirit guides, as divined by tarot was that I should reflect on how I got here. It's something I have been meaning to do anyway, as a form of both understanding my path but also as a way to show gratitude for the trials and tribulations I've faced and the lessons they taught me. It's my understanding that it's common for those of us with gifts to be given or to have 'chosen' paths in this life that are difficult to walk. The thought is that these difficult paths refine and hone our empathy, and enable our gifts to be used as a result. 

    I have mixed feelings about this. There was a time in my life where I felt, "why me? Why am I having to endure all of this misery?" I also thought "you know, I could write a book about all the shit that I've been through." I've posted on social media before about the struggles I have faced: my birth mother has schizophrenia, which resulted in me being raised by an alcoholic father and an abusive stepmother. A first marriage at a young age that fell apart because neither of us knew who we were and we were both escaping something. Numerous SA's as a teenager. Struggles with substance use. And most recently the kicker of them all: the dissolution of my 20 year relationship to the father of my children, the death of a beloved mentor, and the loss of a job I thought I would have until I retired. I suppose I could still write that book - it would likely resonate with an unfortunately large number of people. 

    Despite all of these trials, I had the realization this morning that my soul is finally, finally at ease. I developed the self-love and sense of security that I had always searched for in other people, places, and things. Really until this fall, I had been desperately searching for a place that felt like home. I never felt at rest, even though I had a stable family and a comfortable home. Home was this far-off place that I yearned for but could never reach. All along, home had been wherever I went - I just didn't have the experience and insight to see it. 

  I left my job under duress through circumstances that weren't of my making. However, it was a gift that I didn't realize I needed. I took the deferred resignation program with NASA, which gave me 6 months of security. During those six months, I have moved twice (see aforementioned dissolution of my marriage). I have done a ton of reflection and healing. I realized that I have been blessed with the gift of communicating with spirit. But most importantly, I have finally found a home in myself. It's one thing to try to trick yourself into thinking this way; but it wasn't until I did the healing I needed that my soul truly felt it and really believed it.  

    I wouldn't wish the trauma I've experienced in my life on my worst enemy. I have done so much work to break generational traumas and not pass any of this on to my children. However, I can say that everything really does happen for a reason. The important work is to find the lessons we are supposed to learn along the way. I'm grateful for all that I have experienced. This soul, forged in fire, is finally home.