Reflections on my Journey

Today's message from my spirit guides, as divined by tarot was that I should reflect on how I got here. It's something I have been meaning to do anyway, as a form of both understanding my path but also as a way to show gratitude for the trials and tribulations I've faced and the lessons they taught me. It's my understanding that it's common for those of us with gifts to be given or to have 'chosen' paths in this life that are difficult to walk. The thought is that these difficult paths refine and hone our empathy, and enable our gifts to be used as a result. 

    I have mixed feelings about this. There was a time in my life where I felt, "why me? Why am I having to endure all of this misery?" I also thought "you know, I could write a book about all the shit that I've been through." I've posted on social media before about the struggles I have faced: my birth mother has schizophrenia, which resulted in me being raised by an alcoholic father and an abusive stepmother. A first marriage at a young age that fell apart because neither of us knew who we were and we were both escaping something. Numerous SA's as a teenager. Struggles with substance use. And most recently the kicker of them all: the dissolution of my 20 year relationship to the father of my children, the death of a beloved mentor, and the loss of a job I thought I would have until I retired. I suppose I could still write that book - it would likely resonate with an unfortunately large number of people. 

    Despite all of these trials, I had the realization this morning that my soul is finally, finally at ease. I developed the self-love and sense of security that I had always searched for in other people, places, and things. Really until this fall, I had been desperately searching for a place that felt like home. I never felt at rest, even though I had a stable family and a comfortable home. Home was this far-off place that I yearned for but could never reach. All along, home had been wherever I went - I just didn't have the experience and insight to see it. 

  I left my job under duress through circumstances that weren't of my making. However, it was a gift that I didn't realize I needed. I took the deferred resignation program with NASA, which gave me 6 months of security. During those six months, I have moved twice (see aforementioned dissolution of my marriage). I have done a ton of reflection and healing. I realized that I have been blessed with the gift of communicating with spirit. But most importantly, I have finally found a home in myself. It's one thing to try to trick yourself into thinking this way; but it wasn't until I did the healing I needed that my soul truly felt it and really believed it.  

    I wouldn't wish the trauma I've experienced in my life on my worst enemy. I have done so much work to break generational traumas and not pass any of this on to my children. However, I can say that everything really does happen for a reason. The important work is to find the lessons we are supposed to learn along the way. I'm grateful for all that I have experienced. This soul, forged in fire, is finally home.